I feel lost

I'm so lost my head is spinning.  My life is out of control and I don't know how to get it together.  I don't even know what to say.  How do you keep a marriage together when you don't trust the person you are with?  How do you get your mind to quit reminding you of all the bad things you have done?  I lay here at night and just think about everything and never sleep.  How do you forget all the times family has betrayed you?  I really want to leave it all behind sometimes.  I think my life would be better if I did.  Why do people lie and hide things from you when you are suppose to be able to trust them completely?  Some times I think I dont know what I think anymore.  It seems like everyone I care about is doing or have done things to me behind my back.  Like writing my kids letter so that when they are older they know what happened when they were little talking bad about there dad, having them know that your husband has another kid and not telling us or having your husband take pictures of the house when its dirty so show if we ever split up.  I really trust no one.  I can't trust anyone or be myself around anyone.  Fuck he won't even have sex with me touching me is like hell to him and I just don't understand it. Right now I am so miserable and want out.  I have done many bad things maybe this is just Karma kicking in for me. Sometimes I wish I could just tell one person everything I have done and then I might feel better.  I don't believe in god but right now I wish I could go to a priest and confess all my sins just so that someone would know and not know who I was.

My First Post

So today sucked.  I am feeling like shit emotionally.  I'm sick of the day after day same thing kids housework and thats my life.  My husband wants nothing to do with me and the boys are always with friends.  I hate housework it bores me and all I really want is to start over.  You see all these shows about housewives ya please like a true housewife has a life like that.  If I had that life man that would be great but instead I have a dirty house and 3 boys to clean up after o and don't forget the husband who never leaves his office to say more than 2 words to any of us except to yell about something.  Where is the excitement?  Ben (my husband) refuses to have sex with me ever and that makes my life officially sucky.  I want a man that wants me who wants to touch me and doesn't make me feel gross and horrible about myself all the time.  God it would be nice to leave everyone behind and start new again.  I need to find out who I am.  My life has no meaning beyond my kids and Ben.  I don't think anyone even knows me anymore. How I want to write books or be a lawyer still.  I will never realize my dreams now all I can say is that never have 3 kids before you turn 21 I really did think this is the life I always wanted and maybe it would be if I had a family who wanted me around for more than cleaning or cooking.  Maybe someday I will post a story I'm trying to write if I ever have the time to finish it